


Into That Good Night

by sophinisba



Category: Children of Men (movie)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Backstory, Canon - Movie, Canonical Character Death, Child Death, F/M, Illnesses, Immigration & Emigration, Influenza, Marriage, Minor Character Death, POV Female Character, Pandemics, Parenthood, Politics, Pre-Canon, Pregnancy, Sad, Yuletide, challenge:Yuletide 2007
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-25
Updated: 2007-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-07 20:23:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophinisba/pseuds/sophinisba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Julian and Theo back in that beautiful time when people refused to accept the future was just around the corner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Into That Good Night

**Author's Note:**

> Written for: krabapple in the Yuletide 2007 Challenge. Thanks to my dear Claudia603 for the beta.

**2004**  
  
_Wednesday, December 1st_  
  
It was the first day of December, but it felt good to be outside. The cold was invigorating, especially if you were walking against the wind.   
  
Julian marched arm in arm with a woman and a man whose names she didn't know, chanting slogans, feeling the wind in her hair, feeling strong and connected.  
  
She'd spent far too much of the last week crying over being alone, but she was done with that now. Being without a boyfriend didn't make her alone. Being in a couple - being tied down to someone like Ritchie, who couldn't even understand why she'd been crying so much ever since November 3rd - just kept her cut off from the rest of the world. What she had today was far better.   
  
By the time they poured out into Trafalgar Square there was already a crowd of over a thousand gathered around the low platform where a man she didn't recognize was making a speech she'd heard far too many times before, complaining that Tony Blair was in bed with George Bush. Julian immediately started to miss the mindless chanting and blowing whistles. A frail old woman wandering around the inner edge of the crowd was adding to her sense of unease.  
  
The woman's mouth was moving as she raised a weak fist in the air. Then she looked like she was trying to climb up onto the platform with the speaker, who ignored her and her difficulty. _She's ill_, Julian thought, she's crazy and any minute she'll start raving and break up the speech. Not that it was a speech Julian much wanted to hear, but she liked things to go according to plan - even protests that were meant to disrupt someone else's plan.  
  
The woman did make it up onto the platform then, but at once she lost her balance and started to fall, and above or below all the other noise of the day Julian thought she heard a low moan, resigned, like a sigh, as if she knew she was lost. A little cry of distress went up from the crowd, but only one person stepped forward and caught her.  
  
The crowd moved a little to open up a space for the two of them to walk away, and the speech went on. Julian tried to follow the old woman and her rescuer with her eyes, and when other bodies got in the way she let go of the people she'd marched with and quietly started weaving her own way out. It was awkward because they were so tightly packed, and by the time she was standing free and alone she could see that the young man was as well. He stood next to a park bench, arms folded across his chest, frowning at the speaker. As Julian walked toward him she called out, "Was she all right?"  
  
He turned to her, surprised. Apparently he hadn't noticed her approaching. "As far as I can tell. One minute she was leaning on me like she couldn't stand on her own and the next she'd hopped off and got on a bus. By the time I'd figured out she was leaving she was already gone."  
  
"Thank you for helping her."  
  
"Is she a friend of yours?"  
  
Julian shook her head. "I was just worried."  
  
He shrugged slightly, still watching the crowd. "Good thing there aren't too many people today, we'd have been crushed."  
  
"Were you at the protest on October 14th?"  
  
"Of course. Everyone and his brother was there on October 14th, it was incredible, like some kind of world party. Even the Americans came out then."  
  
Julian smirked. "How do you know I'm not Canadian?"  
  
"From the guilty look on your face."  
  
She laughed. "Fair enough." She'd been feeling guilty ever since she got to England in September - even worse since the election - and she knew sometimes it showed. It was, to be honest, one of her prime motivators for coming out to the rallies. The need to let people know she hated Bush's war was stronger since she'd failed, with her uncounted absentee ballot, to get rid of him.  
  
They stared at each other, neither one quite knowing what to say but not ready to be done talking either. "Do you want to grab a cup of coffee or something?" he asked.  
  
She _did_, but she hesitated, glancing back at the mass of people she'd been so happy to be part of not half an hour ago.  
  
"After the rally's over, I mean," he added quickly. "Wouldn't want to take anything away from - Oh, shit."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
He was patting at the pockets of his coat, then his jeans. "She, oh, she took my wallet!"  
  
"Who, the woman you -"  
  
"Yes, the helpless old bag I rescued from the mob of rabble-rousers... Oh, I can't believe this. I've just met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and now she knows I'm an idiot."  
  
Julian couldn't help laughing. He clearly was truly embarrassed, and yet he continued to flirt. "I don't think you're an idiot."  
  
"Idiotic, gullible, and a show-off. Oh yeah, and broke."   
  
"Well, I fell for it just as much as you did."   
  
He shook his head. "Con artist probably goes to protests figuring she'll run into a bunch of overly trusting bleeding-hearts..."  
  
"But only found one, apparently."  
  
"And one is enough. I, uh. I should go, I think, I need to go report this." He looked around, as if unsure who he needed to report it to. There were several police officers standing nearby, but they looked like their job was to keep the protesters from getting out of hand. Not the most approachable, with their guns and their riot clubs.  
  
Julian said, "Do you want me to go with you? I can be your witness...or at least make sure you have bus fare."  
  
He considered this. "No, thanks. I do want to talk to you some more, but preferably not at a police station. And I've got my bike here, so don't worry about me getting home. It was nice meeting you."  
  
She nodded, smiled, and held out her hand. "My name's Julian."  
  
"Theo," he said, shaking it. "Do you live here or are you just -"  
  
"Yeah, I'm here for the school year."  
  
"So I might see you again?"  
  
"That depends. Will you come to the Anti-War Coalition meeting on Saturday?"  
  
"If you'll be there, then yeah." He looked straight at her when he said it, as if he'd forgotten to be embarrassed again, and Julian rolled her eyes, but she couldn't deny her heart had sped up.  
  
* * *  
  
_Saturday, December 4th_  
  
The meeting was held at seven AM in a basement bar that wouldn't see customers until nightfall. The place couldn't be very cheerful in any light, but in early morning it looked especially rundown, and the stale smell of alcohol and cigarettes made Julian feel vaguely ill. That, the fact that their special invited speaker was going on about a lot of things everyone already knew, and the fact that Theo wasn't there all made her wish she'd slept in this Saturday morning.  
  
Theo made it in twenty minutes past the hour, carrying two paper cups with coffee. Julian was sitting in the second row and he had to step over three other people to get to the seat next to her, which she'd saved. She noticed that his coffee was black whereas hers had just the amount of cream she liked and only a little too much sugar. Later she'd have to ask him how he knew.   
  
Five minutes later she felt his foot knock against hers. In the next few minutes it happened a second and a third time, and soon enough she started kicking back, just as a way to relieve the boredom. She had to bite her lip to keep from giggling.  
  
She was relieved when the speeches were over and they got down to the business of assigning tasks and volunteers for what needed to be accomplished by the following week. That part took very little time, and soon the meeting broke up and most of the others shuffled out and up the stairs.  
  
Julian hung around with a few of the organizers to help put the chairs and tables back in place and pick up paper plates and cups. Theo stayed as well. The two of them grabbed opposite ends of the long table and lifted.  
  
"I think you're corrupting me," she told him.  
  
"What do you mean? You're the one who's got me involved in underground activities."  
  
"The AWC is a legally registered organization," said Rajeev. Julian hadn't realized anyone else was listening.  
  
"All right," said Theo, "but you can't deny we're hiding in a basement." He gestured around at the bar.  
  
"It's just a temporary space."  
  
"Lighten up, Rajeev," said Julian, but he turned away without answering.  
  
When they'd set the table back in its place another table caught Theo's eye.  
  
"Is that a foosball table?"  
  
"Looks like."   
  
"You're acting like you don't care," said Theo, "but you want to give it a try, I can tell."  
  
"You mean you think I've never played this game before?"  
  
"Not with the likes of me you haven't."  
  
Julian looked back to see whether the others were ready to leave, but they'd gotten into their own form of competition, arguing about short- and long-term goals. They wouldn't be breaking up anytime soon. She tossed the little white ball into the center and hit.   
  
The game was intense from the start, with Theo putting not only hands but legs and shoulders into it. He could keep three bars and their men spinning at the same time - which was not to say that he was in control of all of them. The first two times he hit the ball out of the table it went flying halfway across the room. Theo ran to bring it back. The third time she was the one who hit it out, and Theo caught it in his hand, and the look on his face was so smug that Julian felt the need to tell him, "I can do that. You think I can't do that?"  
  
She'd already won a game by then, and rather than keep on with a second one they made a new game, punching the ball into the air on purpose to see who could catch it. At one point it hit Theo hard in the cheek. He shouted, affecting to be gravely injured, but half laughing all the time. The next time the ball flew close to Julian's face, she caught it in her mouth. Theo pointed and laughed out loud, his face open in a way she hadn't seen it before. She decided she wanted to keep playing this game.  
  
Only when she got home she wondered why she thought she had time for games.  
  
They'd made plans to get together on Monday afternoon, and then Julian spent the rest of the weekend deciding how she was going to tell him... Well, she couldn't exactly tell him she didn't want to be with him anymore, since they weren't seeing each other yet, but she made plans to cut this off before it got any farther.  
  
* * *  
  
_Monday, December 6th_  
  
They got to sit and talk in an actual coffee shop this time, one with fair trade coffee, vegan baked goods, and friendly people. They laughed over small talk and cream and sugar, and Julian hesitated to wreck the mood, but she knew putting it off wouldn't help any.  
  
"I just got out of a relationship a little while ago," she said. "That was my decision and I think it was the right decision. I'm still in classes - going into finals, actually - and I'm in this movement and I'm...I don't mean this to be insulting, but -"  
  
"But you're not playing around," said Theo. "You don't have time for that."  
  
"Yeah." She'd had the feeling from the moment she met him that he _got_ her. Funny to have him agreeing with her about her reasons for not going out with him, of all things. But it made it easier to keep talking. "I don't take a stack of flyers because I think it'll be fun to stand on the street with a guy like you and chat while we hand them out, or because I get off on the excitement at protests."  
  
His smile was small, lopsided, closed-lipped. "And you think that's why I'm here?"  
  
Well, it was why he'd _said_ he'd come.  
  
"I understand," he said, though she hadn't answered him. "How about this: if you ever realize that my company is keeping you from doing what you need to do, or if my making fun of the wankers in your legally registered protest organization keeps you from taking the cause itself seriously, then I'll consider that a legitimate reason for you to stop seeing me. But don't decide I'm a moral zero with no commitment to anything of real value just because I like a game of foosball once in a while."  
  
Then she found out he'd done his homework - had distributed all the flyers he'd promised to on Saturday and, more impressively, written up copy for some better ones. She made a few suggestions. They argued, productively, and made some changes, and then he said, "It's not a zero-sum game, you know."   
  
"What?"  
  
"If you start to care about someone else, it doesn't mean you'll care less about Iraq, or about anything else."  
  
"I know that," Julian said. She did, she'd known that all along, but it was still good to have it said out loud.   
  
* * *  
  
_Wednesday, December 8th_  
  
Theo met Julian at the library at seven on Wednesday night. The flat they were going to wasn't close to his or Julian's but it was a straight shot from campus by public transport.  
  
"You're nervous, aren't you? I don't think I've seen you nervous before."  
  
"Her opinion means a lot to me," Julian explained.  
  
"I guess I should be more nervous then, if you're trusting me to make a good impression."   
  
Julian walked ahead, not meeting his eyes. "Well, I'm pretty sure you'll make a better impression than Ritchie, so it's not that much of a gamble, really." _And if she _does_ hate you_, Julian didn't say, _then at least I'll know_. A kind of _What would Janice do?_ attitude had helped her make up her mind to end it with Ritchie. And if things went badly tonight, that could help her with another decision.   
  
A man's voice answered the buzzer and let them in, but Janice was the one who opened the door. "Welcome," she said, smiling wider than Julian had ever seen her in class. She held out her hand for Theo to shake and said, "I'm Janice Palmer and I'm so pleased you're not Ritchie," causing Julian to laugh out loud.  
  
"Theo Faron, and the feeling is entirely mutual."   
  
At first Julian couldn't believe how small the apartment was and how...dingy. It was just one bedroom, smaller than the place Julian shared with another foreign student, and it smelled worse. Well, unless you liked the smell of curry mixed with marijuana.  
  
Both smells got stronger as you crossed the short distance to the kitchen, where a man with slightly graying long hair was attempting to sing and dance and smoke and taste the sauce all at the same time.  
  
"How are you two with spices?" he enquired. "Can you take the heat, or do I need to make a separate batch for you? Ah, is that Rioja?" He took the wine Theo had brought. "Excellent. I'm Jasper, by the way."  
  
Julian had met Janice's husband just once before and, though she wouldn't say so, had a little trouble understanding what a brilliant woman like her was doing with an immature layabout like him. But then, she'd been dating Ritchie at the time, so she wasn't exactly in a position to throw stones.  
  
She knew he was a political cartoonist and she'd seen his name and signature drawings. He was good at what he did, she supposed, but that wasn't anywhere near in the same league with what Janice did.  
  
Janice was an adjunct professor in the journalism program at the university where Julian had come for her junior year, wanting to get some international perspective on her chosen career and, if truth be told, to spend more time with Ritchie, whom she'd met in New York.   
  
Janice taught one class on photojournalism per semester - a practical one in the spring and a more theoretical one in the fall which, luckily for Julian, required a lot of reading and writing but not talent for taking actual photographs.  
  
Janice wasn't the kind of person you ran into at a protest, unless she was there to document the police misconduct. She wasn't the kind of professor you told that you didn't manage to finish the homework because you'd been busy with planning a political event, as Julian had learned you could do with a few others. Janice had her own job that worked as its own kind of activism, and she made her two jobs work with none of them suffering. She scheduled the one class she taught for three hours once a week so that she'd have the other six for trips to the continent, and occasionally other continents.  
  
Over dinner she asked Theo if he was a student too.  
  
"Yes," he said, "I'm just finishing up a course for teaching secondary school, history and citizenship."  
  
"Citizenship," Jasper repeated, amused. "Going to teach Julian how to be a good Englishwoman then?"   
  
"I think," said Theo, looking between Julian and Janice, "that if she wants to act like an Englishwoman, she's picked out her model already. I'm just the guy who gets her coffee."  
  
Jasper nodded sagely. "Good to know your place anyway. I'm the guy who makes curries and samosas for Janice and keeps her sexually satisfied."  
  
Jasper laughed out loud at his own words while Janice just rolled her eyes. Theo smiled but looked at his hands, shy. Julian smiled at him but he didn't see.  
  
They told more jokes and stories, discussed past and future careers, past and present presidents and prime ministers. Julian and Theo said no thanks to the offered drugs, since they both had class the next morning, but Julian drank more than she normally would, at first because she was nervous and later because she was comfortable. She was sad to leave when the time came to catch their bus, sad to go out in the cold, afraid she wouldn't feel this warmth again the next time she saw Janice.  
  
* * *  
  
_Thursday, December 9th_  
  
But when she went to her office hours the next day Janice hugged her. "How long have you known him?" she asked.  
  
"About a week. I didn't even fucking know he was a teacher."  
  
Julian's words sounded louder and coarser than she meant them to - after all, this was her _professor_, and they were on campus now, not sharing a bottle of wine at someone's home - but Janice just laughed.  
  
"Well, you were busy finding out other things about him. What are you thinking?"  
  
Okay, professor, yeah, but she was the one asking, and who else was Julian going to tell? "That it's too early and too soon after Ritchie for me to call it love, but I can't help thinking that's what it is."  
  
Janice nodded, looking her in the eyes. "It's early still," she agreed, "and maybe it's none of my business, but then again I can't help thinking you brought him there wanting some kind of..."  
  
"Approval," Julian filled in, because she couldn't call it a blessing.  
  
"All right. And I _know_ it's not my place to give you that, but I'll just give you the opinion of an old married broad: he's cute, but more important than that he's kind. Hang on to this one." She squeezed Julian's hand and Julian squeezed back, feeling the tight happy squeeze in her chest at the same time.  
  
"I will," she said. "I'll try."  
  
* * *  
  
**2005**  
  
_Saturday, December 10th_  
  
Janice and Jasper's place still smelled like grass, even though they'd stopped smoking in Julian's presence once the pregnancy was announced. She found she didn't mind the smell anymore - it was comfortable, like sitting on the old couch with its stuffing falling out. Familiar like Theo sitting next to her on the floor, leaning against her leg, twisting to smile up at her when he hoped he'd made her laugh. The place was still tiny, but it had stopped feeling cramped now that they were all used to being close to each other.  
  
"If it's a girl," Jasper was saying, "you should name her Patti, for Patti Smith. I'd suggest naming her after Janice Joplin, but that could get confusing for all of us. If it's a boy, you should call him Keith."  
  
Theo turned to look up at Julian, and she must have frowned from the way he looked at her, squeezed her knee and said, "It's better than Mick, isn't it?"  
  
She laughed and squeezed Theo's shoulder, and he went back to playing with the cat. Julian liked seeing Theo from different angles. She liked the way he would sprawl out across different parts of this apartment. In the rest of the city he never seemed to relax and settle into himself the way he did here.  
  
"Don't mind Jasper," said Janice, coming back from the kitchen. "He can't even do a decent job naming the pets. Give the baby a family name if you like. Theo's mum is Rose. That's a lovely name."  
  
"My dad was a Horace though, and there's no way I'm giving that name to my son. No child should have to go through life with a name like Horace."  
  
"Are your parents alive, Julian?" Janice asked.  
  
"Yeah," she said, surprised. She didn't remember Theo talking about his parents during their visits here, and it was a little strange, wasn't it, that her professor knew more about Theo's family than her own? But Julian hadn't been around for every conversation between them, she knew that. "Yeah, they live in New York. Um, their names are Mike and Sylvia. I don't really think -"  
  
"Julian's parents are Republicans," Jasper said, interrupting, and Julian thought she felt Theo tense under her hand. Well, it wasn't like it was a secret, but again it was strange, to think of him talking about her and her family while she wasn't there.  
  
"That's not -"  
  
"And even if they weren't," Jasper continued, as if Julian hadn't spoken, "I still say you shouldn't name babies after people you know personally. It's a little easier if they're dead or they live in another part of the world, but it's still confusing, gets everybody's heads twisting around and is easily avoided by naming children after the artists who inspire us but won't be showing up at any family gatherings."   
  
"Well," said Janice, "if you want to insist on an artist, what about Dylan? Now there's someone who can really inspire you. A couple of someones, actually."  
  
Theo nodded slowly. "Rage against the dying of the light," he murmured.  
  
Julian imagined whispering _Dylan_ against a newborn's skin, calling it across a playground, teaching a child to trace those five letters. She smiled.  
  
"You've still got time to decide anyhow," said Janice. "Don't let anyone pressure you into anything." She laughed, giving Jasper a quick kiss on the mouth, and added, "Least of all this one."   
  
* * *  
  
On the way back the lower deck of the bus was full, but as soon as they stepped on two different men stood up to offer Julian their seat. Julian thought the politeness was a little over-the-top, but she smiled and thanked them before leading Theo up the stairs. The top deck only had an old couple and a few teenagers, and Julian and Theo felt free to act like teenagers themselves.   
  
Julian sat by the window and Theo climbed up on top of the aisle seat, crowding her, leaning over her, shielding her from the eyes of the others even as he slipped a hand under her coat and a few layers of shirts. He had to get to her skin, winter clothes be damned.   
  
"Stop it," she said, laughing.  
  
He kissed her mouth. One hand touched the side of her face and the other rubbed over her belly.  
  
"If you're going to fondle me in public," she whispered when her mouth was free, "at least touch my breasts like a _normal_ sex maniac."  
  
"Mmm, I can't help myself, you're so sexy when you get that maternal glow."  
  
Julian pulled his hand out of her clothes and said, "Not now."  
  
"When I get you alone though."  
  
"You can be as perverse as you want once we get home," Julian agreed.  
  
For the rest of the trip they put their energy into making out, and it was so much fun, the kissing itself and the knowing how much it bothered the old couple and the teenagers both, that they lost track of the streets and missed their stop. Julian was the one who realized first and, laughing, pushed him off her and dragged him down the stairs. Once they got off they had six blocks to walk instead of two.   
  
* * *  
  
Julian picked up the mail when they entered the building and sorted through it as they climbed the stairs. It was mostly advertisements for food and computers and security systems, plus a few bills in their plain white envelopes.  
  
"Leave those alone for now," said Theo. They'd just come through the door of the flat and he was already trying to pull off her clothes at the same time as he pulled her over to the couch. "You made me some promises on the bus. I hope you're not planning on backing out of them."   
  
Julian was just about to surrender when she realized that the last envelope wasn't a bill at all but a notice from the Immigration and Nationality Directorate.  
  
"I need to look at this one," she said.  
  
"It's just paperwork," Theo complained against her neck, "you can deal with it later."  
  
"I won't be able to enjoy myself until I can put this aside," she said, even though she _was_ enjoying herself, and she arched her back and neck for a moment to feel the way he pressed against her.   
  
"Then put it aside already!"  
  
Julian turned around and gave all her attention to kissing him for the next little while, but when she pulled away the envelope was still in her hand and, no, she couldn't quite stand to put it down.  
  
She tore across the top, took out the single sheet of paper, and read it quickly, silently.  
  
Then she sat down on the couch - or possibly fell. "I think I need a glass of water," she said.  
  
Theo was crouching in front of her, holding her hands, taking the letter from her. All the playfulness, the pleasure gone. "Is that all? Should I get you a doctor as well?"  
  
"No," she said faintly, "just some water, and maybe a lawyer."  
  
When he brought it to her he said, "We figured this might happen. You can't renew a student visa if you're not taking classes."  
  
"And you can't take classes when you're busy having a baby. I thought it would work. I'm still a student. It's just a semester's leave of absence... Thank you for the water."   
  
"Anything you need." He paused. "This doesn't have to be a problem, Julian."  
  
"Just because it -" She stopped speaking when she realized he was kneeling in front of her again, this time on one knee.  
  
She thought about paperwork, about waiting in lines and flying across the Atlantic with this heavy, uncooperative body. She thought about making things easier and said, "Okay."   
  
"It's better if you let me say the words."  
  
"Don't. Just... When can we do this?"  
  
A few minutes later Theo had Jasper on the phone. Jasper, who knew everybody, would find them a registrar and a minister, would make this happen in a week. Jasper and Janice would serve as witnesses, and they'd do it joyfully. He asked Theo to put Julian on the phone.  
  
"Congratulations," Jasper said.  
  
Julian hung up on him.  
  
"Just think," Theo tried, "we're lucky this is even an option. We could be gay, and then where would we be?"  
  
"Not pregnant," Julian deadpanned.  
  
Theo frowned. "Fair enough."  
  
"We said we didn't need this to know we were committed to each other."  
  
"So we don't need it but the government does. We can still celebrate."  
  
"I'm not gonna celebrate being forced into marriage."  
  
"What, were you planning on leaving me?" His voice took on an edge of anger.  
  
"Don't be an asshole, Theo, that's not what this is about."  
  
"It doesn't have to be about that unless -"  
  
"If I'm gonna get married it's gonna be because -"   
  
"What, because you're in love?" he half-shouted, standing up and starting to pace. "Because you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? If these things aren't true then maybe you'd be happier in America after all."  
  
"Fuck you," Julian said, keeping her voice low so she wouldn't be shouting too.  
  
"Look, we're gonna do this, right? You're right, we don't _have_ a choice. We have to do this. But we do get to choose whether it's something we celebrate for the rest of our lives or something that makes us angry."  
  
"I'm not choosing to be angry. I just am."   
  
"Okay, so..."  
  
Julian stood up.  
  
"No, listen to me. We weren't planning to have a baby either, were we?"  
  
"Don't," she said. She would have said, _Don't use that against me_, but she was afraid she'd start crying.  
  
"We could have said it was being forced on us -"  
  
"Forced on _me_." Just like everything else. Theo's _us_ was really starting to get on her nerves. _He_ wasn't the one who had to carry it around, who had to feel it in his body every day, had to try to keep up with school through all of it, and in a foreign country where they don't even want me -  
  
"Or we could have got rid of it, that was a choice we had. But we realized this could be a blessing, right?"  
  
Julian shook her head. "Don't," she said again. "I can't argue about this right now."   
  
She walked to the bedroom, wishing she could move faster, and even though she knew it was immature, she slammed the door. She lay down on the bed. She would have tried to throw up but she knew it would just make her feel worse and force her to get up.  
  
When she heard Theo's voice again she was glad that he wasn't trying to talk to her. He called Jasper again. He called their friend Nirmala, who _was_ an immigration solicitor. He called Tim and Susan and Sonia. He called her doctor, called his mom. Julian cried quietly and then started to doze off. When he knocked on the door she'd been alone for almost an hour. She was thirsty and had a mild headache. He brought her another glass of water and she sat up in bed to drink it. He lay down next to her.  
  
"I'd like to try the proposal thing again," he said. "Take you out to some swanky restaurant and hire some violinists or something. Have a diamond ring on top of the dessert.  
  
Julian laughed and shook her head. "Don't bother. We need to save our money for diapers and baby food."  
  
"I always did like your sense of practicality." He paused. "I'm sorry it happened this way, Julian. I'm sorry it's not on our terms."  
  
"It never is, it's never gonna be." She took his hand and said, "I'd kiss you, but my mouth still feels kind of gross." Theo chuckled. He stroked her hair. She could have told him to stop, because it was distracting, but it was also nice. "Um. I don't want to go back to the States."  
  
"I know that -"  
  
"I'm not sure I want to live in London forever either but... I _am_ glad we're having this baby. I _do_ want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I _know_ I'm not going to turn into my mother. I shouldn't even be worried about that..."  
  
"I really don't think it's a danger," Theo agreed. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Theo." She smiled and spoke softly, "Will you marry me?"  
  
"Yes. Yes, I'd be delighted to."  
  
Instead of kissing her he just sat closer and put his arm behind her, and she leaned on his shoulder. "I love you," she said again, "but I'm not wearing a white dress."  
  
* * *  
  
**2006**  
  
_Sunday, December 17th_  
  
They had a small and somewhat silly ceremony on the 17th, and Julian wore a blue dress - there were only a few things she could comfortably wear in those days anyway. Getting ready to go out on the street for their first wedding anniversary Julian was glad of the option to wear jeans - with long underwear underneath and a heavy coat on top. Dylan was wrapped up in so many layers that he was like a big, heavy ball of blankets in her arms.  
  
Jasper had offered to take care of Dylan for the night so that Theo and Julian could go off somewhere and have lots of loud, carefree sex followed by a long night's sleep, but they said they'd take a rain check, they wanted to be together as a family today, and being part of a crowd was still one of their favorite ways of doing that.  
  
Julian wasn't much of an activist these days, or much of anything she'd ever planned to be. She kept in touch with people via the Internet and did some writing, hoped it helped. She still went to speeches and organizational meetings as often as she could, but she no longer felt like she fit in there. She never had her hands or her thoughts free, and the others knew it. No one ever told her not to come, but she could feel it, that she made them uncomfortable. They were afraid all the time that the baby would start crying and disrupt their work. And sometimes he did. Sometimes Julian cried too, and sometimes she wished she'd never let this happen, any of it. She'd dream, whether she was sleeping or not, that she was at home, walking the sidewalks of New York, with a college degree and a job and much more flattering clothes, nothing in the world to weigh her down. Instead she'd stayed home from a second semester of classes, and half the time going out just made her feel worse, more cut off.  
  
But that wasn't how it was on days like today. Dylan liked being carried on a walk much better than lying still, and even when he cried he was one more loud and angry person in a street that was packed with them. Strangers smiled at them, other mothers especially, but men and teenagers too. On days like today Julian understood that even if she wasn't from here, she was welcome.   
  
Janice drove them there - Theo and Julian didn't have their own car, but they got out the carseat Julian's parents had bought when they came to visit in the summer. Out on the street, Janice wanted to take a picture and they decided they could unwind one of Dylan's scarves to show more of his face. Julian and Theo both looked at him, and the loving smile on Theo's face was one more reminder that this was good, this wasn't the life she'd ever planned on, but she was glad this was her life.  
  
Afterwards Janice took them out to the house in the country, and Julian went quiet in the back seat as Dylan quickly fell asleep next to her. Up in front, Theo asked Janice why Jasper hadn't come along today.  
  
Janice sighed. "I have the hardest time trying to get him to come to London for anything these days, even if it's to see his favorite people."  
  
"Or to march against a war he hates."  
  
"Right. He'll tell you it's the weather, of course. Or the pollution, or the noise, or the crowds. I suppose it's all of that."  
  
"Can't say I blame him for that," said Theo. "If you've got a job that you can do from home, you might as well do it there. God knows I wouldn't mind skipping the bus ride to work every day."  
  
Try spending a year without a job to go to, Julian thought, but she didn't say anything, and Janice just said, "I still worry."  
  
* * *  
  
From all the heavy sighs and silences along the ride, Julian expected to find Jasper holed up in some corner of the house, his mood dark and despondent. Instead they pulled up to find him standing outside in the snow, wearing a bright rainbow-colored scarf but no coat, hopping from foot to foot to keep warm, and grinning.  
  
"Bambino!" he called out across the yard. "So good to have you here again!"  
  
Dylan was squealing and waving his arms so much that Julian had trouble holding on to him. He probably didn't really know where he was, Julian thought, but he'd relaxed so easily in the car it was as if he knew he was on his way to somewhere, something, someone he liked.  
  
"My little bambino," said Jasper, close enough now to give Dylan a kiss, to hold out his hands and let Dylan grab his fingers. "How've they been treating you, these parents of yours? Do they spend as much time dancing as we do out here? Or are you too cramped in your little city flat? You need to spend more time out here in the country so you have room to dance."  
  
"Oh, we dance plenty," said Julian, laughing.  
  
"If there weren't room at our place then Dylan would _make_ room," Theo added.  
  
"Da!" said Dylan.  
  
"I'm not your Dada, bambino, that's this other fellow who came with you."  
  
Julian shook her head. "Theo's 'pa'."  
  
"I think 'da' might be his first attempt at Jasper," said Theo.  
  
"I could get used to that. What do you think, Janice? He could use the same name for both of us."  
  
"Sounds good to me, but let's just get inside before we work any more on his speech development. It's freezing out here."  
  
They spent the whole afternoon talking, dancing, singing, falling down and laughing. Janice took her turn holding him, smiling when she could make him smile, but Julian had never known anyone besides her and Theo - not even his mother or her parents, babysitters they occasionally paid to take care of him - to be as happily engaged, entertaining the boy and entertained by him, hour after hour, as Jasper. When Dylan tired and cried, Jasper didn't hesitate to pick him up and do his best to comfort him. He wouldn't really calm down unless he was with Julian or Theo, but then he cried again when they got up to leave and Jasper said goodbye.  
  
"It was wonderful to see you again," said Julian. "Good night."  
  
"No," said Jasper, shaking his head, "that's next week."  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
"Christmas Eve, in Spanish they call it _la nochebuena_..."  
  
"Jasper spent two months in Nicaragua in the eighties," said Janice, "and I think he learned about ten words in that time, but he uses them any chance he gets."  
  
"Don't make fun of me," said Jasper, "I'm trying to raise Dylan as a citizen of the world. Good night, amigos. Have a safe trip back to your poisonous city."  
  
They hugged and said happy Christmas and happy anniversary, and Jasper stayed in the doorway while the others went out. It was dark by then, and colder, and Theo looked almost as tired as Dylan, so the two of them rode in back this time and Julian took shotgun.  
  
"Well," said Janice, "that's the happiest I've seen Jasper since your last visit. Perhaps if we could convince the three of you to move out here then I wouldn't have to worry so much."  
  
It was something they'd bring up every once in a while, Jasper more often but sometimes Janice as well. Theo and Julian tended to treat it as a joke - Theo's school was in central London, after all, and he had to be there five days a week. And Julian would go crazy if she couldn't go for a walk and see some strangers every day. But Janice sounded sad now, as sad as she'd said Jasper was feeling. "Would you really want a baby in the house all the time?" said Julian.  
  
"Oh, I think I could handle it - especially if the rest of you would change his nappies, and I could just play a bit of peek-a-boo from time to time, and join in your dance parties."  
  
Julian hesitated before asking a question that had been on her mind for a good two years now. "Have you and Jasper ever wanted to have children?" When Janice didn't answer at once she added, "I hope you don't mind my asking."  
  
"No, no, it's all right." Janice's eyes were on the road, lit only by the stars and her headlights. "We've thought about it, yes, I suppose every couple does. We've talked about it, as I believe every couple should..."  
  
Julian looked straight ahead as well. Janice had always had this way of making pronouncements. They weren't targeted at Julian or at anyone in particular, but since Julian measured herself against her mentor she couldn't stop herself from, well, judging. She and Theo _hadn't_ talked about having children until after she'd found out she was pregnant. Then again, they hadn't known each other for all that long then.  
  
If Janice noticed that Julian was embarrassed she didn't show it. "We used to talk about it more, when we were both younger, and he wanted... We _wanted_ to have children at some point. But my career's always been very important to me, I think you know that."  
  
"Of course."  
  
Janice laughed softly. "When I started out there were a lot of men that thought I wouldn't amount to much. It always made me laugh that the one bloke who was willing to take me seriously was the cartoonist."  
  
Julian laughed too, but her throat and her smile felt tight.  
  
"But he always did. And when I said I couldn't start having babies yet because it would get in the way of the work I wanted to do, he respected that. Of course, the problem with saying you're not ready to sacrifice your career _yet_ is that it doesn't magically become easy to take a few years off once you've become successful."  
  
"Maybe getting knocked up at twenty-one really was the best thing for me then."  
  
"When I see your baby in your arms I sure think so."   
  
Julian twisted around to look at the boys in the back seat. Both had their eyes closed and a peaceful look on their face, but Theo's hand reached across to grasp Dylan's. They wouldn't let each other go.  
  
Janice sighed. "You can't think I'm judging you, can you?"  
  
"Oh, I can't help it." Julian's voice was cracking. She kept looking back. Theo didn't open his eyes.   
  
"Look," said Janice, "when I met you, you were an overly ambitious and idealistic exchange student who asked a lot of questions in office hours. Maybe you would have made a good journalist. Maybe you still will someday, I don't know. It's not important to me whether you decide on the same career that I did. What I know is that you're a terrific mother and a terrific human being. I truly hope you don't think I'd consider that a disappointment."  
  
Julian shook her head, but she couldn't speak. She turned around to face forward again, and Janice briefly laid a hand on hers.  
  
"As for me," Janice said, "I'm not quite forty, I could probably still have a baby. Jasper's older though, so you worry about a child losing his father when he's still young. That part, not wanting to leave a child alone, goes along with the feeling we always had that we didn't deserve to have children."  
  
"I don't understand," said Julian. "Who would have done a better job?"  
  
Janice shook her head. "No, it's not that someone else deserves them more. Just this feeling that...well, of all the things gone wrong with the world, half of them are connected to overpopulation, aren't they? And in our circle of friends... or the circle of friends we had ten years ago, it was considered somewhat selfish to bring more children into the world. I look at you three though and I...I can't say I regret the choices I made, but you make me wonder what another kind of life would have been like."  
  
They'd made it to the suburbs by then. The lights by the highway had made the stars dim.  
  
"I guess we'll always make each other feel that way," said Julian.  
  
"Maybe so. No regrets though, all right? I'd hate to think that being around me made you unhappy."  
  
"Of course not," Julian said immediately. And added, laughing, "Just because I cry every other time I see you..."  
  
"I know, I know. It means you trust me. It's the same way for me, just without the tears."  
  
"Okay. Thank you, Janice. I'm with you. No regrets."  
  
* * *  
  
**2007**  
  
_Friday, December 21st_  
  
There were two younger babies on the plane, and one little girl who looked to be about two, a little older than Dylan, who had no interest in anything but the movie on her parents' laptop.  
  
Julian and Theo had brought theirs along as well, though it would only last two hours or so on battery power. Theo's cousin Nigel had a son, Alex, who was the same as the little girl - cried constantly if left with nothing to do, but was docile as anything if you put a video in front of her. They'd brought along a whole bag full of toys and games and music and videos, diapers and stuffed animals and even medicines, wanting to be prepared for anything, but mostly Dylan just wanted to walk, so they were taking turns walking him up and down the aisle and around the economy section, holding his hands over his head. Dylan smiled at the strangers in their seats as they passed, and most of them smiled back.  
  
"Well aren't you an adorable baby?" and American woman asked. It was weird hearing so many American accents. Julian was used to being the only one. Her own son spoke what words he knew with a British accent and, though that made perfect sense, it still sometimes made her feel a little lonely.  
  
"Hello," Dylan said to the woman, and let go of Julian's hand to wave to her. She smiled and waved back.  
  
"Are you ready to sit down for a while now?" Julian asked when they got back to their assigned seats, and Dylan shook his head.  
  
"Want to show me what you've discovered on your last tour?" said Theo, and Dylan might not have understood every word, but he nodded.  
  
It wasn't Theo's first time on a plane like it was for Dylan, but it was his first time traveling this far, his first time going to the States, and his first time seeing Julian's parents in their natural habitat. Julian was glad he was so occupied with keeping his son happy that he didn't have time to get nervous himself.  
  
Julian settled back in her seat and, just to have something to do, started paging through Dylan's copy of _The Lorax_, wishing they'd made room in their bags for a few more grown-up books. She was the most experienced flyer of the group, but she hadn't been home in three years. She remembered how excited she'd been, that last time, wanting to tell her parents all about her new relationship with Theo, and finding out how little they wanted to hear about him. They'd had to get used to the idea eventually. They'd come to England to visit them the last two summers. Her mom had even offered to stay on longer, to help them pay for a bigger apartment, to help take care of Dylan and make it easier for Julian to go back to school. It hadn't been easy to decide, since either way kept her dependent on someone else, but she'd chosen to depend on Theo. Her mom loved her, she knew her mom would always love her no matter what else came between them, but there was no one she trusted more than Theo.  
  
The eight-month old boy started screaming about two hours into the flight. Other passengers exchanged looks, as if to say, _It's gonna be a long flight_. And Julian tended to agree, knowing one loud, angry baby could easily set the others off.  
  
The other passengers in their row looked nervously at Dylan, but he was still calm. Julian smiled at them.  
  
It was three hours in - the half-way point - that the baby's parents called the flight attendant, and a few minutes later there was an announcement, asking for a doctor on board.  
  
The captain asked everyone to return to their seats and, to Julian's mild surprise, everyone did.   
  
"Up," said Dylan. "Wanna get up."  
  
"In a little while, sweetie." She got his Bear out of their bag and made it dance on her lap, but Dylan wasn't amused. He grabbed it from her to keep it still.  
  
If they'd been anywhere but in the middle of the ocean they'd have tried to land. Even as it was there were whispers of an emergency landing in Iceland, but it was decided the fastest thing would be to take them the rest of the way to New York. They asked everyone to stay seated except for emergencies.  
  
For a little while Dylan, the little girl with the videos, and the two younger babies were all crying, and that was bad enough, but then they all stopped, and the quiet was eerie. It was cold and everyone was tense, and Julian found she was as restless as Dylan, she hated not being able to stretch her legs, or for that matter to go back to where they'd waved to the baby on their earlier trips, to show Dylan that he was all right, to show herself.  
  
Theo's hand on her knee made her realize she was jiggling it and shivering, and she made herself stop, spread out the blanket over her legs instead. Meanwhile Theo was gently bouncing Dylan on his own knees and singing softly,

> Oh the fishes will laugh   
>  As they swim out of the path   
>  And the seagulls they'll be smiling.   
>  And the rocks on the sand   
>  Will proudly stand,   
>  The hour that the ship comes in.

He was a little out of tune, but unlike Julian he could remember all eight verses in order, and he ignored the way the other passengers stared at him, repeating the song until finally Dylan fell asleep.

In New York the paramedics came on board before anyone could get off. They left with the baby and his parents. Then the captain announced that they needed to wait for permission to deplane.

"Papa, get up  _now_ ?"

"Yeah," said Theo, "we will. We're almost ready now."

"We just have wait a little longer so they can take care of the other boy who was sick," Julian explained.

They waited on the runway for just over two hours. When they were allowed off the plane, they were taken directly to a quarantine station for medical inspections. As a US citizen, Julian had to wait in a separate line from Theo and Dylan, but they could still see each other - she waved to Dylan and tried to smile, too tired to argue, even as she felt the strangers' gloved fingers on her throat, as she opened her mouth to let them look and poke around. But she was awake enough to be angry when they did the same thing to Dylan and he started crying. He calmed down once the three of them were allowed together again, but they were only allowed to sit and wait.

It was five more hours before they were released, and then it was just to get in more separate lines for passport control and customs, where the officials - but not the travelers - wore gas masks. They were given instructions to remain indoors and with small groups of people as much as possible during their stay. Health officials would be calling to check up on them in a few days.

By the time Dylan's grandmother held him in her arms it was 4 AM - 9 AM Greenwich Mean. Dylan was sleeping and Julian simultaneously pitied and envied him. Her limbs were like dead weights and she wished someone could just pick her up and carry her to bed. There were deep circles under Theo's bloodshot eyes, and even her mom's face was strained in her smile.

"They were talking about a child on the plane with the bird flu. We were so scared it was - It's so good to know you're all okay!"

Julian kissed her on the cheek and spoke quickly lest Theo start swearing. "Thanks for the tickets, Mom. It's good to see you again. Really good."

Her mom nodded her head. "Your father took the bus back when we realized how long it was going to be, but I have the car here."

"Good, you're okay driving?"

"Oh, I wouldn't expect you to after everything you've been through."

Julian sighed in relief. "Good. I think right now we all need some sleep more than anything."

Julian rode up front with her mother. She knew that made it her job to make conversation, but she just couldn't. She leaned her head back and slept, and they made the trip in silence.

* * *

_Saturday, December 22nd_

It wasn't the lead story in the next day's news, but it was mentioned. The little boy was dead; his parents were still in quarantine - they didn't say where. Theo grumbled over his breakfast - which was her dad's lunch - and was just reaching to switch off the radio when they moved on to a story about how much retailers were making at the end of the holiday shopping season, and then he did shut it off.

"Well, it's not like I enjoyed spending all night at JFK either," said Julian's mother, "but I can understand. The way germs spread on planes, I'm not surprised. I'm  _glad_  they're being careful."

Theo was shaking his head. "It's just a lot of scaremongering. That baby was sick, but he just needed to see a doctor, and the rest of us just needed to get off the plane. Only if people are scared of foreigners bringing in disease they're willing to let civilians be held indefinitely at airport security. And if they think there's a virus then Rumsfeld and Cheney can make more money off their investments with the drug companies, giving everyone vaccines they don't need."

"You two always want to see a conspiracy in everything," her father said, looking up from the newspaper with the calm of someone who never doubts his own opinions. "But it's scientists making these decisions, not politicians."

"The CDC's run by Bush appointees, just like every other government agency," said Julian.

"Well, some of the administrators, maybe..." her mother began.

"I think Theo's right," said Julian. "They want to scare us into behaving. They want to close the borders and they'll use the plague as a way to stop anyone from complaining. Just like how they blame the torture on the victims."

"Do you really need to talk about this while we're trying to eat, Julian?"

"I wasn't the one who brought it up. You're the one who had the radio on."

Theo laid his hand on hers on the table and she realized she'd snapped at her father. She didn't want to start shouting but she couldn't play along or apologize either, so she stood up and said, "Thanks for the breakfast, mom. I'm gonna go check on Dylan."

"He'll still be sleeping," said her mom.

"Okay, well, maybe I need some more sleep too, and I'll be in a better mood after a nap."

"Sounds good to me," Theo said, standing up as well and taking her hand again. His touch was steadying. "Thank you, Sylvia, the eggs were delicious."

"I don't understand why we can't have a conversation about this," said her mom. "I told you already, I'm sorry for what happened to the three of you, but is there something wrong with being worried about contagious diseases? Is that politically incorrect now too?"

"Next she'll tell you it's racist to call it the Asian flu," said her father.

"Well,  _avian_  does make a bit more sense, doesn't it?" Theo said quietly. "Seeing as how it doesn't spread among humans?"

"What if this is how it goes bad though?" her mother insisted, ignoring the men and keeping her eyes on Julian. "When I was your age it was nuclear war that was going to destroy the human race. These days, you and your friends are always going on about global warming, but what if it's a plague that takes us out?" 

"Or what if it's none of that at all?" said her father. "Stop complaining for half a second, do your job and let the market and the government do theirs. It's not like they want us all dead either."

Theo squeezed her hand, and rather than choose between all the angry things she had to say, Julian just turned around and left, and he came after her.

Dylan was indeed still sleeping. Julian kissed his forehead and then - she couldn't help herself - felt with her hand to check for a fever.

"He's fine," she said to Theo.

"Of course he is."

"Yeah." She moved away from the crib and sat down on the floor, her back to the wall. Theo sat down next to her. "Mom means well," she said.

"Of course she does."

"I'm not so sure about Dad though. Remind me again why I thought coming here for the holidays would be a good idea?"

Theo held up fingers as he listed the reasons: "We want to help Dylan understand where you come from, your parents paid for the tickets, and we didn't realize we'd be quarantined to their house once we got here."

Julian groaned. "If I have to stay in this house until the second I swear I'll kill somebody."

"I think it's all part of George Bush's secret plan to drive you mad," said Theo.

"I  _knew_  there was a conspiracy."

"We'll just have to confine ourselves to this room and yours. It'll be safer for the rest of 'em that way anyhow."

"My cousins'll be here on Tuesday."

"Nope, sorry, they're not allowed to visit you. You're being held in  _isolation_ ." He spoke in an unconvincing American accent and emphasized the word they'd used at the airport, where the officials had carefully avoided saying  _quarantine_  out loud.

"Must keep the real Americans safe," Julian agreed, laughing. 

"We won't be able to hand over the presents we brought, just have to keep them for ourselves."

Then Julian looked back at Dylan in his crib. "Is it wrong of me to be worried? Is it wrong to be scared?"

"No, of course it's not, it's natural." He paused. "We just have to remember not to take it out on him."

"That's how we avoid turning into our parents."

"Yeah. When he's ten or when he's seventeen I doubt it'll matter to him whether we mean well or not. For now I think we should just let him sleep."

"Okay," said Julian. "Let's go to bed."

"All right. I should tell you I'm not actually tired."

"Neither am I." She stood and then helped pull him up. "I think I feel like sharing some germs." She kissed him as she pulled him across the hall to her old bedroom and smiled as she shut the door.

* * *

**2008**

_Tuesday, December 23rd_

"Thank God you two are all right," Theo said as she opened the door.

"Just a little bad weather," she answered, "took us a little longer to get home than we'd expected." But she was soaked and still panting, and she knew she wouldn't fool him into thinking she hadn't been afraid.

Theo wasn't really listening anyway, had knelt in front of Dylan and was already starting to pull off his wet clothes. "That's right, you're all right," Theo murmured, wrapping him in a blanket he'd pulled off the sofa. 

"And I'll be fine too," Julian said brightly.

"Of course you will," he said softly. "Hold that up for me, will you, Dylan?" Dylan grabbed a corner of the blanket and kept it wrapped around him while Theo went to the bath for a towel. "Where have you been?" he asked on his way back. "You said it would be over by four."

"It was. I told you, it was just getting home. How was I supposed to know winter was finally going to arrive today? It wasn't supposed to be this bad."

"Nothing's  _supposed_  to be this bad..." Theo knelt again and scrubbed the towel of Dylan's hair to dry it. Dylan laughed and Theo grinned at him, but the darkness didn't leave his eyes.

"All the more reason to get out there and say something," said Julian. "We can't just sit at home pretending everything's all right."

"Better sitting at home than going out in the rain pretending it's safe for a woman and a child in this city. Or pretending that two more people showing up to heckle some politicians will actually make them start paying attention."

"I don't heckle," Julian said, and went into Dylan's room to get out some clean dry clothes for him rather than stay to argue with the rest. Theo talked to Dylan and got him dressed while Julian went to the bedroom to change her own clothes, relieved to have a few minutes to herself.

It had started raining just before they went out. There'd been something on the news about light showers, and Theo had handed her an umbrella on her way out the door. "I'd rather have you come with us," she'd said.

"An umbrella's more useful, I think. And it doesn't have papers to mark."

That was his own way of avoiding confrontation, avoiding saying, again, that he disapproved of Dylan being used as a prop. Two local MPs were appearing at a shopping center that afternoon. It was supposed to be a simple, cheerful photo op - they weren't even making any speeches. Julian had been the one to suggest that they make it a confrontation. As many families as possible should show up to say that they cared less about shopping than having the government do something to help women's and children's health.

A nice idea, and she thought it could have been effective, but there weren't enough people there for a real event. It wasn't just the weather - you barely ever saw a real crowd these days, with more and more people deciding it was safer just to stay home. Rather than a confrontation between cheerful shoppers and angry protesters, there was quiet and mourning.

Julian didn't feel like it was her place to speak, and not just because of her foreign accent. She hadn't suffered nearly as much personally as most of her friends - no miscarriage, no family members taken by the flu in the spring or hurt in the rioting in September. In some ways it had been a very good year for her; they'd been able to afford childcare and Julian had made it back to school and finally, this month, gotten her degree. She'd probably be able to work fulltime soon, if she could stand to leave Dylan alone for that long. She'd even sent in the form to apply for British citizenship.

And it wasn't like she could tell the MPs that their indifference to the community was wrecking her marriage, even if that was how it felt some days. As for the friends who had more horrifying things to say, they either weren't there or, it seemed, didn't feel strong enough to say them out loud today.

When she and Dylan got outside it was still mid-afternoon but the sky had gone dark and the temperature had dropped, and the rain was coming down in sheets. By the time she got off the bus two blocks from the apartment it was sleeting. She'd given up on the umbrella so she could pick Dylan up and carry him, wrapped in her coat, trying to shield him from the weather, but they'd both been soaked by the time they got in.

Now that she was relatively dry and calm she came out and stood in the doorway of the bedroom. Theo was sitting on the sofa with Dylan on his lap, and they were talking quietly.

"It was slippy," Dylan said. "Mama almost fell."

"But you kept her safe, didn't you?"

"I said I can walk but she picked me up."

"See, that's a good thing. It might not make you go faster, but that way you can help each other stay warm."

Dylan looked up and saw Julian standing apart from them. "Thank you, Mama," he said.

She sat down and Theo put an arm around her, and Dylan took her hand. "You're welcome," she said. "Thank _you_ , Dylan. Thank you for helping me get home." She gently kissed Theo on the cheek, noticing how much warmer his skin still was than hers, and said, "Thank you for keeping me warm."

Dylan asked for a story and since none of them felt like moving to find a picture book Theo told a version of  _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_  from memory, intentionally getting parts of it wrong so that Dylan and Julian could laugh and correct him.

They talked and laughed and ate spaghetti and ignored the wind getting louder and louder outside.

"I hope it clears up by morning anyway," Julian said finally, as they were getting ready for bed. "What time are we leaving again?"

"Jasper's picking us up around noon. I've got everything packed though. We can sleep as late as we want, within reason."

But Julian had no desire to stay up late and was annoyed that she couldn't fall asleep quickly. 

Theo snored, as always, and as she'd often done in the last few months Julian got up in the middle of the night, went to lie down on the futon in Dylan's room, and did her best to empty her mind.

* * *

_Wednesday, December 24th_

She woke up with her son in her arms - he must have crawled in while she was sleeping - and the early morning sun in her eyes. Dylan's window faced southeast and it was always bright in the morning, even in winter. It seemed even brighter now, Julian thought, because the window was covered with frost. No, she realized as her eyes adjusted more to the light, not just frost but ice.

"There," she whispered to Dylan, who was still sleeping, "we'll have a white Christmas after all."

Strange that she didn't feel cold - it must be because of the small, solid body here with her. When she sat up she could tell that the air in the room was far colder than it should be. Maybe the heat was malfunctioning again, or somehow they just weren't prepared after the mild weather they'd had all this year. If she were responsible and understood how radiators worked she'd get up and try to fix it, but that seemed too complicated and she was still too tired, so instead she picked up Dylan and the blanket and carried them to the bedroom. It wasn't fair for the two of them to keep all the heat to themselves.

"Cold," she muttered to Theo, and without coming fully awake he reached out and pulled her close to him, with Dylan in between, protected but not squeezed too tight.

"Thank you," he said, and Julian nestled into the warmth of her family until she fell back asleep.

The phone woke them up an hour later, and Theo's voice was still thick with sleep when he answered.

"Yeah?"

Julian kept her eyes closed.

"All the roads, really?"

She felt the mattress shift as he stood up. She guessed he was going to the window but wouldn't see anything through it.

"No, of course, I understand. No, Jasper, it's fine. Stay there, and we'll stay here and keep each other company. Yeah, that too. If the weather's better tomorrow... Yeah. All right. Happy Christmas then. Oh, and tell Janice congratulations. I will. Bye."

After he hung up he went to the living room and switched on the TV. Dylan ran after him and Julian, rather than be left alone in an empty bed, reluctantly followed them. Theo kissed her and then Dylan on the forehead and he frowned a little, but then smoothed out his face. "That's from Jasper," he said, fiddling with the remote control.

"He's not coming?"

Theo shook his head. He'd found the news.

"...All the way from Reading," the announcer was saying. "Once again, we advise you to stay off the roads if at all possible. We do seem to be in a moment of calm at the moment, but we do not expect it to last. Furthermore, the authorities have asked that the roads be reserved for emergency vehicles."

"I need to go outside," Julian said suddenly. She got out her winter coat - she hadn't used it all year - and put it on over her pajamas.

"Stay here," said Theo, "you don't want to go out there." And when he saw that she wasn't staying he insisted, "Put some shoes on at least." 

She took them from him and then hurried down the stairs alone.

It took a lot of pounding to get the door of the building to open, and then she ended up just standing there, staring at the silent street where every surface of brick or concrete, every car, every tree was covered in a thick glaze of ice. On top of the ice there was only a light dusting of snow, but more was coming down.

Across the street another woman stood in her own doorway, but neither one of them dared step out. They looked at each other and the woman gave a little shrug that ended in a shiver. They didn't try to speak to each other.

There was a loud, groaning, metallic noise that Julian didn't recognize, and she shivered herself, and her neighbor turned around and went back inside, shutting the door.

_A tank,_  said a tiny voice in Julian's mind as it came into sight.  _A tank on my street. On our little street._  It rumbled slowly closer to where she was standing. She couldn't see the people inside, but she was sure they could see her. She shivered again and knew she should turn around and go back inside as the other woman had done. She should go to her family. She should get out of the cold. She should, for God's sake, get out of sight, but she found she couldn't move except to tremble. She was as frozen as the cars in their ice casings

As it crawled past her no one came out, no one shouted or shot at her. It just kept going and then turned around the corner and left her alone, and every other door on the block stayed closed. 

"Julian?" she heard after a very long time. "Julian, come inside." He wasn't shouting, wasn't angry or frightened, just firm, and his arms were strong on hers, and warm, his arms were so warm, they melted the ice, and she found she could move then, turn in his arms, and his arms shut the door for her. And his arms and the hallway and the stairs were  _too_  warm, but she'd go where he took her because she wanted to go back home.

"Can we go outside?" Dylan asked when they came back in.

"It's cold outside!" Theo answered. "And too quiet. I like it better in here, don't you?"

"Okay," said Dylan. "But I'm not cold." He paused, thinking, then asked, "Can we go to Jasper and Janice house?"

Theo shook his head. "Remember how the sidewalk was slippery yesterday when you and Mama were walking home?" Dylan nodded. "That's what the streets are like today. It's too slippery even for the cars and buses."

But not for the tanks, Julian thought.

"So Jasper and Janice are going to stay at their house, and we'll stay here, at least for today," Theo finished, and Dylan frowned but nodded again, resigned.

Then had hot chocolate and cereal and then sat on the floor to play Sorry, with Theo wrapped up in one blanket and Julian and Dylan on the other side of the board in another blanket. They kept the TV on with the sound turned off, so only Theo could read the headlines. Every once in a while Theo would frown at it, but then he'd smile again and talk about anything but the news. Julian had no desire to turn around and see what he was reading.

"I'm bored," Dylan said after half an hour. When Julian saw him yawn she had to join in. "Can I go to bed?"

Theo shot a worried look at Julian but she didn't know how to respond. She looked at the board and wondered what would happen next. 

"Are you feeling all right?" Theo asked. Dylan nodded and yawned again. Theo waited. "Julian?"

"What?"

"I said are you feeling all right?"

"Me? Yeah. I just...wrong side of bed or something. I think Dylan's got the right idea. Lie down for a while and try getting up again. Get a do-over." Was it too much to hope that the world would have gone back to normal then? Probably, but it was worth a shot.

Theo came over to pick Dylan up and startled when he touched him. He laid a hand on his forehead.

"He's got a fever," Theo said quietly. Julian stood up. This could be bad, very bad, and she couldn't just go back to bed and hope for it to go away.

"We need to get to a doctor," she said.

Theo shook his head, picked Dylan up and started carrying him to his room. Julian walked after them.

"No use trying to get anywhere this morning," he said, "more trouble than it's worth."

"No," said Julian, "they said to stay off the road except for emergencies. This is an emergency!"

"Not it's not, Julian. This is something that happens to kids, especially in winter." He didn't say,  _especially when they've been out in the freezing rain_ , but she heard it anyway, and she felt like hitting him, but she still didn't have the energy. Dylan's eyes had already closed when Theo laid him down in his bed and brought the blanket up around him.

She kept quiet until they'd shut the door to his room and gone back to their own. "It's the first symptom," said Julian. "He's sick."

"Shhh," said Theo. He reached for her and stroked her hair, and she wondered if he was just being affectionate or if he wanted to check her for a fever too. "It doesn't have to be that. People get sick. Kids get sick and they get better quickly. Dylan's been sick before, he'll be all right."

"Yeah," Julian agreed. She knew this. "He can't be sick - really sick, I mean. He's had the shots. We've all had the shots."

"Exactly." He hugged her and his cheek felt cool on hers. So he must know she was sick too, but he wasn't saying so. "We all had the shots back when people were getting the flu," he said instead. "We were worried when we were in New York, and after, but that's all passed now. He's just got some bug and he needs to rest, and so do you."

But he knew as well as she did the plague wasn't over. The worst of it had been last spring, but there were still new cases every week, and not all of them followed quite the same pattern. You were never safe.

"Here," said Theo, and he lifted up the covers for her.

"You're not afraid to touch me?" she said as he lay down with her.

"Shhh, keep talking nonsense like that and you  _will_  wreck my calm," he said with a smile and kissed her.

"Am I burning up?"

"No, you're pleasantly warm."

She smiled back at him because she knew he wanted her to. She decided not to ask him if there had really been an army tank on their street. He wouldn't have seen it anyway and it was no good adding to his worries with marshal law or delirium, whichever one it was. "Sometimes your calm drives me crazy," she said. "Sometimes you make me so mad. But you're good, you know that? I know you're good for me."

She drifted in and out of sleep with the rising and falling of the wind outside. The light left, and she woke up alone, but later Theo came in with tomato soup and soda water and she was glad he wasn't sleeping the day away too. He sat with her.

"Has Dylan eaten?" she asked. The soup tasted revolting but she ate it, not wanting to cause trouble.

Theo hesitated. "A little," he said. "He drank the whole glass though."

Julian sat up straighter. "You can tell me what's going on," she said. "I'm not...I'm not really sick. If he is I want to help, I don't want you to keep it from me."

Theo sighed. "It's not too bad. He just said he didn't want soup, and that's nothing unusual for him. I made him some popcorn."

Julian nodded. "Don't worry, I won't get hysterical." She had to force herself to get through half the bowl of soup herself and then, impressed with her own determination, lied, "I feel a lot better. I want to get up now. I want to help."

"Not much to help with. I just come in and check on you sleepy-heads, then go back to watching the news."

"Okay, so I don't want you to watch TV by yourself, so let me come with you."

The two of them looked in on Dylan and Julian was relieved to see that he really was sleeping peacefully, not tossing or turning or talking. And the fever wasn't too severe. It wasn't like the violent sickness they'd heard about.

Theo and Julian sat on the sofa with their blankets and munched on the popcorn that Dylan had requested and then not wanted to eat. 

"Yesterday all the news was about Janice's report," said Julian. "The infertility. And now it's like they've found the next big thing. They'll talk about the weather and keep us all in our houses instead of trying to find out what's really going on."

"They don't control the weather. And the infertility story isn't going away." 

"My mom was wrong,"

"What?"

"When she said it would be the plague that destroyed the human race, not global warming. It'll be both at the same time. Two plagues, and maybe there's more coming. A nuclear war too, why not?"

At first it looked like they were just showing snow, but soon enough Julian realized they had plenty of other things to keep them from talking about the infertility. She closed her eyes some of the time because they hurt or because she didn't like what they were seeing - cars piled on top of each other in ditches, people stranded far from their homes. Worse storms destroying people's houses in other parts of the world. Tanks and soldiers on little streets in the neighborhoods of London.

They were interviewing an angry-looking military officer when Julian threw up the soup and the popcorn. She'd been feeling vaguely nauseous since she'd gotten up but the vomiting came on suddenly, like a violent tug in her insides that doubled her over. Theo grabbed the popcorn bowl too late, so by the time he could catch anything there was nothing left to come up, but the pain went on and Julian couldn't sit up, couldn't be still, couldn't think. He rubbed her back and talked to her and she didn't know what he was saying, but it was good that he was there.

When she came back to herself she noticed she was crying, and when she tried to make herself stop, for his sake, it just got worse, so she was sobbing out loud, without words, just as a minute before she'd been retching without bringing anything up. "Sorry," she tried to say, but she wasn't sure if it came out right. "Sorry, so sorry," and he kept holding her and touching her, as if she weren't ugly and filthy and contagious.

When she'd stopped crying he got a full glass of water and a wet washcloth. She couldn't drink much, but she was glad to get some of the bitterness out of her mouth. After he'd cleaned her face he started cleaning the mess off the table and the floor. He left again when Dylan started calling for them. Julian wanted to go to him too but all she could do was huddle on the couch, shuddering, trying not to hurt so much. "Is he okay?" she asked, but her voice was soft, and Theo wasn't there to hear or answer.

She thought she heard him talking and couldn't understand who he was talking to because he sounded angry, he was starting to shout, and he wouldn't be talking to Dylan that way when he was sick, and it wasn't his fault he was sick.

"How can you say that!?" he demanded, and since she hadn't heard anyone saying anything she guessed for the first time he must be talking on the phone in the bedroom. "This  _is_  a fucking emergency! How else am I supposed to get them to the hospital? I told you we haven't got a car. They're throwing up blood, and I'm supposed to just sit here?" After that his voice went low and angry the way it sometimes did, and Julian couldn't make out any more words. 

Strange, Julian had seen red but figured it was just tomato.

She lay down on the couch tried rubbing her own stomach to relieve some of the pain that wouldn't go away, and she waited for him to come back. She thought she heard Theo talking again but it must have been with someone else because he no longer sounded angry, just scared. Meanwhile the TV announcer kept talking, and Julian found she preferred listening to that - his voice was firm and reassuring as long as she could ignore the content of what he was saying.

Then Theo was back, kneeling in front of the couch and stroking her hair, trying to get her to sit up and swallow some pills, when the announcer's voice suddenly stopped. Julian opened her eyes and saw the screen had gone blank. Theo tried switching it on and off again. 

"That'll be the electricity," he said. He flicked a light switch to confirm it. "Hope they bring it back soon, for the space heater if nothing else."

"Theo, you've been crying," she accused. She hadn't noticed at first because it had gotten dark. "You're supposed to stay calm."

"I'm sorry, love, I've been trying," he said, wiping another tear from his face with the heel of his hand.

"Is Dylan all right?"

He shook his head but just said, "Take these," and held up the pills and the water again. She took them, even though swallowing hurt and the water going down made her feel like throwing up again.

"Thank you," he said. "That's good, you'll be fine, we'll be all right. Just a little bug that'll pass by morning, and when we wake up we'll feel better and we'll have our Christmas presents, right? We'll all be fine."

"I'm not the two-year-old, Theo. You don't have to baby me."

"Well, maybe I want to."

"I want to be with Dylan."

Theo nodded. "We should get you back to bed anyway. Do you think you can get up?"

It seemed doubtful, but she wanted to try. She let him help her stand. Leaning on him she was able to take a few steps but no more - she fell back on the couch. Their little apartment had never seemed so huge. "Sorry," she said again.

"It's all right," he said, and he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.

"You're so strong," she said. "You're okay, aren't you? You're not sick at all?"

"No." He helped her stretch out on the bed. "I'm fine. You see? It could be worse."

"Sure."

He got up and brought Dylan to her. She reached for him weakly, and Theo laid him down between them - it was the same arrangement they'd been in that morning, but not as close together. They all needed more room to breathe than they had before, Julian thought. Dylan's breathing was loud, uneven. He was no longer warm but his face was wet with sweat.

"They won't send an ambulance, will they?" she asked softly.

"Don't worry," said Theo, "They haven't heard the last of me. I'll keep calling back until they send an ambulance and a team of specialists just to shut me up."

But when he picked up the phone again he couldn't get a dial tone.

"So that's it," said Julian. "We just stay here until we stop breathing."

"No," said Theo, coming back to lie with them. "We stay here until we feel better. Hey, remember what Jasper told us?"

"A whole hell of a lot of things. I don't want to go to sleep, Theo. I'm tired but I - What if we go to sleep and in the morning we -"

"Shhh, you don't have to sleep if you don't want to. Just stay here with us. This is it, Christmas Eve - the good night. See? This is when our prayers get answered."

Julian shook her head. "No god. Only us."

"All right then, only us. We'll take care of each other."

Then he put his arms around them again and they stopped talking, but this time it was too warm and too cold at once, and Julian's body hurt as much as her heart. There was no comfort to be found.

* * *

**2009**

_Friday, December 25th_

On Christmas morning of 2009 Theo came back to the apartment for the first time in over three months. He rang the buzzer even though he still had a key, and Julian came downstairs in her robe and slippers and chided him, and then kissed him on the mouth. 

He brought her a framed photograph of the three of them and he held her when she looked at it and cried. He also brought vegetables, which they cooked up for lunch; and wine, which they drank sitting on the floor eating take-out curry, and kept drinking afterwards until the bottle was gone, and so was the bottle that had been sitting in the kitchen cupboard since he moved out in June.

That was just after he lost his job for showing up drunk at the school. Julian had never liked to drink alone, so once he was gone she stopped. She also stopped visiting Jasper and Janice since Theo moved into their old flat. She stopped eating meat, stopped making international phone calls. She started volunteering at the Center for Immigrant and Refugee Rights, and a few months later they started paying her to work there. She stopped being ashamed of having a foreign accent. She started speaking up at meetings and people started listening to what she had to say. She started going to sleep with pills and a teddy bear - Dylan's Bear - because she needed _something_  to hold on to.

She knew she wasn't perfect, knew she wasn't whole, and all the same when she watched Theo prying open the second bottle she couldn't help thinking he looked pathetic.

"Do you go to work like this?" she asked.

"I could do that job in my sleep. Half the people there are stoned anyway." He shrugged. "It's the kind of place that does that to you."

He'd gotten it with help from his mom, who was finally getting ready to retire after thirty years in the same soulcrushing office. Maybe Theo would still be there, answering customer complaints with variations on form letters, for the next thirty years. He didn't seem to be looking forward to anything else, other than the next weekend.

Julian picked up the picture he'd given her. She'd always kept the photo that Janice had taken on their anniversary, the one with the strangers in the background carrying anti-Bush signs. This one had a different look to it - it was more intimate, and full of warm color where the other one had been in black and white. Julian could see the lines under her own eyes in it; she was never that tired anymore, since she'd started taking her pills, since she'd stopped staying up at night taking care of other people. She looked at Theo's face now and saw the opposite effect, how the creases had deepened, his eyes had darkened. She'd seen the way his face crumpled when he cried this afternoon, and the lines on his face made her think he must be crying every day. It hurt to look at him, and not just because he and had Dylan's eyes.

"Thank you for this," she said. 

Theo shrugged again. "Janice took the picture," he said, "and Jasper got it framed. I just -"

"Brought it to me," she finished for him. "Thank you. I'll call them and thank them too, but thank you for coming here today. Thank you for not letting me spend it alone."

He nodded, not looking at her. "I didn't exactly want to be alone either."

She looked at the picture again. "I remember the day she took this. It was summer, right? You two are sunburned."

We were out at their place," said Theo. "I'd been teaching Dylan to swim at the pool, but that was the first time he tried going out on their lake."

"With those orange plastic things on his arms."

"Yeah," said Theo, smiling. "That was the day."

"No wonder he looks so happy."

"We all were. We knew by then that the world was fucked up, but you could still get away from it for a day or two. That was a good day."

"We should've taken more pictures," said Julian. "I hate that there's so much I can't remember."

"Like what? Maybe I can help."

"Like...well, it bothers me that I can't remember the end."

Julian had no memory of Christmas Day, 2008. She didn't remember the ambulance or the emergency room. She had only vague memories of the funeral two days later, which she'd attended in a wheelchair since she still didn't have the strength to stand.

"Honestly," said Theo, his voice low, "you want that time back?"

"I didn't mean -"

"You want the memory of your son dying in your arms? I wish I could give it to you, Julian. I wish I didn't have to remember it every fucking day of the week."

"Fine," said Julian, "forget I said anything." She could have said, as she'd said a hundred times before, that she wished she'd been alert enough to help him through it, rather than be one more source of worry, but there was no use. "This is why I stopped trying to talk to you about it."

"I'm sorry." He was breathing heavily, trying not to break down again, she guessed.

"So am I," Julian said, taking his hand. And she was. More sorry and sad than angry, though it was hard to separate them sometimes. "I mean it, I shouldn't have brought it up. I know it's hard for you too. It's hard for me for different reasons. I..." She shook her head, not knowing how to go on. "We should probably sleep soon."

It was well past midnight and they were both fading, and they still hadn't talked about where Theo would sleep. He'd flinched the one time in the afternoon when she'd mentioned the guest room, but she wasn't sure whether that was because he wanted to sleep with her or because he was angry at her for not calling it Dylan's room. She guessed he also hated that she'd moved the futon to the center and put up drab brown wallpaper in a room that should only, always, have bright colors and a child's bed. But she didn't confront her about it so she didn't have to decide whether to stand up for her choices or to apologize.

In the end she didn't ask where he wanted to sleep. She just stood up, put her glass on the kitchen counter, and walked off to her bed, letting him follow.

"I didn't want to be alone," she said again when he lay down next to her.

"I know."

It had been far too long since they'd shared a bed, and once they were there they didn't waste time. They kissed hungrily despite all the food and drink they'd consumed that evening, and his mouth tasted like wine and spices. His body was heavy like his eyes and his voice, and it was so good to feel that weight on her again that it hurt. That was how the rest of it was too - familiar and longed for and so slow and gentle that she ached for release and at the same time she hated knowing it would be over so soon. And Julian hadn't felt so alive in two long years of facing death at every turn.

They fell asleep spooned together and Julian didn't miss her pills or her Bear one bit. When he started snoring she realized she'd missed even that since he'd been gone. She missed everything.

* * *

_Saturday, December 26th_

Still, she didn't try to argue with him the next morning, when he got up without kissing her and muttered, "Right, I guess I'll just pack up the rest of my things then."

She already had them packed for him. She'd had them ready for him for months. She was thinking about leaving this apartment behind anyway. Putting up new wallpaper was one thing, and maybe Theo thought it was cold of her, but she didn't think she could really stop grieving as long as she lived here.

For citizenship questions they wouldn't be getting a divorce, but there was no use trying anymore to make this marriage work. Love was supposed to be enough, but it wasn't for them, not anymore, not when it just made them remember the love they'd lost. The fighting was painful enough, but when they tried to comfort each other it was even worse. She couldn't take that day in and day out.

"You'll ring me if you need anything?" Theo said in the doorway. "If the heat stops working or if you can't remember something about the old days, or you need some papers or you wanna get laid..."

"Yeah," said Julian, smiling, "I get the idea."

"I'd hug you if I weren't carrying all this junk." The bags swung on his shoulders as he shrugged.

"You can kiss me then."

"I don't know if that's a good idea."

But he leaned forward and she took his face in her hand, and while she kissed him she closed her eyes and pretended she was just saying goodbye as he left for a day at work. She opened her eyes and drew back to look at him and wondered whether she'd ever see him again. Sure, she could call, but she didn't think she would.

"Goodbye, Theo."

"Yeah," he said. And she stood watching while he turned and walked down the stairs alone.

  
  
  



End file.
